at some point i decided there was a god. but coming from a somewhat catholic family, i ordered guilt with a side of church on sundays. that never sat well with me but i obeyed. i thought, yep. this is god. and i will be with him because who else am i going to believe in? people? fuck that. i wanted to believe in someone bigger than myself, someone who could read my thoughts and have the power to make my dreams come true. i knew if i invested in that, maybe some good would spring up in my life like the flowers in my mother's half-assed garden in the backyard.
so in my exploration with god i saw that i wasn't alone. no, no. karma lived in our relationship too. he lived on the heavy, grey clouds that stooped underneath the white fluffy ones that god lived on. i thought that anything i said, thought or believed had outcomes. bad and good. i wanted good outcomes and the only logical way to do that was to simply be awesome. all the time, awesome. that way, god and karma would love me. all the time, please, thank you, niceties to complete strangers, always smile, talk to the smelly crossing guard, eat your apple, volunteer to set up the chairs in the choir room, dah, dah, dah. it was a system. say the good stuff. hide that bad stuff which in retrospect was 'say nice things even if you're lying and repress all your needs and wants to appease others.'
it began to get interesting. as a competitive highland dancer i thought that if i was going to win, which was what i wanted, i needed god and karma on my side. i wasn't enough. i was never enough for myself. so i'd pray. i'd line up with all the girls in kilts who were taller, thinner and way hotter than me at the ripe age of 13 and i'd silently say "god, grant me this, and i will do something for you." and then i'd turn to the girl behind me in line and smile, compliment her on her kilt and tell her she looked pretty. that would earn me some karma points. now with the big guns out, karma, god and i would win. that's the crazy part. i'd win a lot. it was like those actions gave me permission to be the best. a little formula: being nice+praying=supernatural aid. supernatural aid+me= winner.
as time passed it got out of hand. i would line up and have to do a series of things that had accumulated over the year as good karma points. not only being nice to the person behind me, but spin around three times, point my right toe, touch both elbows, compliment the girl in FRONT of me now, clap, sing a high note and so on. it became superstitious. it became meaningless. karma and god were no longer present or responsive to my gifts. i would lose. not only that but i'd question my faith. 'well, why didn't it work? maybe i need to do more? what did i do differently this time? is god even here? am i even talking to anyone?' but being the resilient, little, round-faced fay, i would go back to the drawing board, and start all over. i'd pick one thing and live in that, whether i was doing it for god or not.
karma was easy to understand for a worker like me. it makes sense: you give and you get back. but it also ruined me because i began to expect gifts. 'i've put in this time, where is my gold?' and if there is anything i've learned about myself it's that expectations will be the death of me. so i dropped karma and turned to god. because it's not about 'earning' anything with god. there is no 12 step process of quacking like a duck and rubbing my right eye three times in order to earn a fulfilled life. all that energy i put into karma points, i'm now learning to put into me, which feels completely unnatural. the energy works slower and softer and i'm trying to trust in that.
